a decision.
Last we checked in, my fairytale dreams of running away to Amsterdam to spend my days playing in the park and biking through the cobblestone streets had come to a jarring halt. And I was left with a rather large question to consider...
What's the next step?
As a week went by I began to realize that the restless feeling which vibrated consistently within my body could no longer be contained. I couldn't leave my fate up to chance to destiny or the Great Divine Whomever to sweep in and magically provide the solution to a question only I could answer.
I had done my part on the au pair project. I continued reaching out to families and waiting for answers. And... waiting. Still waiting. I wondered just how long I would be willing to wait? That buzzing sensation I mentioned earlier would drive me to consistently call my closest friends who all, surprise, live in Chicago.
One night I was taking a bath and listening to a podcast about how to stop procrastinating and building self confidence.
First of all, I never considered myself to be procrastinating on this decision. I believed that I was, in a way, at mercy of others (as in waiting for these host moms to respond to my freakin' email back!!!) so of course I'm not procrastinating I'm just waiting for the moment to be perfect and ideal. (Because remember the last time I leapt and expected the net to land beneath me? Yeah, well that net ended up being moving back in with my parents and I did not like that net very much at all.)
(*I am grateful that my parents are allowing me to live at home for free while I figured out my new plan.*)
These are the four low-confidence traps:
1. Perfectionism (see above.)
2. Wishful Thinking ("Things would be as they should if only I would never have had the idea of moving to Amsterdam WHO WAS I KIDDING?" or "If only the other au pair had a life to move on to I could be escaping MINE!")
3. Victim thinking (You can't be a success and a victim at the same time.)
4. Worry ("What if I find the perfect situation in Amsterdam the DAY I move to the city?" "What if I missed my only opportunity to move to the city and be happy because now I have to live with strangers and what if they don't like me or I don't like them or if they're mean and also smelly?")
She also talked about the Pygmalion effect. Which is essentially high expectations lead to increased performance, much like the alternative, low expectations lead to decreased performance (the golem effect.)
As I emerged from the tub I stepped into a new frame of mind.
1. There's no such thing as a perfect answer here. There's only wise, well thought and mindfully calculated responses.
2. I say, "If only" a lot... don't I?
3. I've grown far too much from my old days of victimizing myself. I'm not a victim- I'm a success.
4. I have a job, I have money, I have a strong support unit- what is there to actually worry about? Remember, you're a success. Not a victim. And if something goes wrong you'll figure it out.
I made my decision.
I was moving to Chicago!
*insert audience cheer track, balloons fall from the ceiling and confetti shoots from both stage left and right*
It took a little over two weeks to find my solution and all it took was preparation and determination. I decided that I would find a situation that was good for me and every time I even thought to consider "maybe this is a good time to worry!" I released my fears and took a deep breath-
"It will come when it's meant to happen."
First month is paid, and I'll be officially moving into my new apartment in Ravenswood by October 20th! There's so joy much packed into my new situation that I can't help but feel that-
Things happen for a reason.
----------
Check in next week as I discuss updates from therapy! I'll be sharing the tools that deprogram fear-based thinking, how to healthily disconnect yourself from your problems, and my therapist's personal belief in the gifts we're given.
Until then...
Cheers!
Comments
Post a Comment